June 26, 2008

trying to cope

I find it very hard to fully take advantage of every day. Most often, I sit on the couch, doing nothing important on the computer. There are lots of things that I could be doing otherwise. Decorating. Working on getting my photography business set up on Etsy. Study for CLEP exams, of which I need to take at least 3 more.

Most of the time, I dwell on the fact that I don't want to be here anymore and how badly I want to be finished with college and move. When unhappy, a year can seem like a lifetime, and it can seem impossible to accept where I am now. I really want to accept it and become more productive. I want to know that the time will fly and before I know it, next year will be here. It's already been 6 months since we moved into our new place, it sort of feels like half that time, which is great!

But I feel like every time I take one step forward towards getting into the mindset of being happy, I take two steps back and become lazier. I keep making excuses for when I'll feel better. "As soon as we clean up the apartment, I'll feel better." We did last week, and last night the boy accurately pointed out how I was already saying I still don't want to be in the house. My newest thing is "As soon as Jolly can exercise again, I'll feel better." Because then I'll be able to take her to the park or the dog run for an hour and let her run, and I won't have to worry about her craziness or entertaining her. But likely, nothing will change, I'll just have an hour or two less time to sit on the computer every day.

I keep telling the boy that I want to one day have two houses, one that doesn't have cable or Internet. He's not quite so addicted to the Internet as I am, but he can't understand why I would ever want that because the Internet is so wonderful. I then explained how isolating it can be. Sitting at home alone on a computer isn't great on the psyche. He agreed to a point, but I feel like I'm losing the part of him that'd rather go backpacking than sit inside all day.

Well anyway, here's hoping things can turn around for me soon enough. After too long of feeling this way, you crack, and who knows what comes out, then.

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